What Being Strong Isn’t

I was told I was strong more times than I can count.

After my husband Mark died, people said it like it was a compliment.
Like it meant I was going to be okay.

If I am honest, I started to resent it, and them.

Because being called strong did not feel like support.

It felt like expectation.

From the outside, strength is perceived to be:

Keeping going
Holding it together
Showing up
Not breaking down

But that is not strength.

That is survival. Something I wasn’t, and still struggle to do.

What people do not see is what happens behind the scenes.

Not working anymore.
Not leaving the house most days.
A social circle that has quietly disappeared.
Work life and colleagues gone, almost overnight.

Phone calls that now come from two people, not dozens.

A life that looks completely different to the one you had before.

And all of that while still being expected, in some way, to be strong.

And the reality is, for many people, this is not short term.

It has been 7 years for me, and I am still figuring it out.

Even now, there are more days than not where everything feels heavy.
Where concentration is harder than it should be.
Where sleep is significantly disrupted.
Where just getting through the day takes more effort than anyone sees.

Strength can look very different behind the scenes.

In the workplace, this matters more than we realise.

Because we see someone still functioning and assume they are coping.

But what looks like strength is often someone doing everything they can not to fall apart.

I am not embarrassed to say that I fell apart, and I am still working out how to get back up.

And when we label people as strong, we can unintentionally step back.

We assume they will ask if they need help.
We assume they have it under control.
We assume they will be okay.

And sometimes, that is the moment support quietly disappears.

So what does better look like?

Checking in more than once
Reducing pressure where possible
Not assuming someone will ask for help
Creating space for honesty without consequences
Offering practical support, not just reassurance

And sometimes, it is as simple as saying:

You do not have to be strong here.

Being strong is not the absence of struggle.

It is continuing in spite of it. Dx