I’ve said “no” more times in the last five years than I can count — and yes, sometimes I’ve felt like a monster for it.

But the truth is, saying no can be an act of survival. Here’s why protecting your energy isn’t selfish… it’s essential.

If there’s one thing I’ve done more than drink tea / gin in the last five years, it’s say **no**.

Since Mark died, “no” has been my constant companion. I’ve said no to social events, no to family gatherings, no to work opportunities, no to favours, no to phone calls, no to just about anything that required more energy than getting from the sofa to the kettle.

And here’s the truth: I still feel like a monster sometimes for doing it.

We’re brought up to be agreeable. To be helpful. To put others first. Saying yes is seen as kind, generous, and easy to be around. Saying no? That’s selfish. That’s letting people down. That’s *rude*.

But here’s the thing — for me, saying yes all the time was what nearly broke me.

When you’ve been through trauma, your energy, capacity, and tolerance for the world shrink dramatically. Every “yes” becomes a withdrawal from a bank account that’s already in the red. And eventually, you’re not just overdrawn — you’re bankrupt.

I had to learn the hard way that “no” is not a rejection of the person asking. It’s a protection of myself. It’s a way of saying:
“I hear you, but I can’t do that right now without hurting myself.”

Of course, saying it isn’t always easy. I’ve perfected the “Sorry, I can’t” text with zero further explanation (a skill in itself). I’ve also tried the over-explaining version — you know, the one where you write a mini essay to justify your no, just in case the other person thinks badly of you. Spoiler: they probably won’t, and if they do, that’s on them.

The funny part? Sometimes people are actually relieved when you say no. It gives them permission to do the same.

I’m still learning. Some days I say yes when I wish I hadn’t. Some days I say no and spend hours feeling guilty about it. But I’ve also noticed something: the more I respect my own boundaries, the more I trust myself. And the more I have trusted myself, the more space I now have to say yes to the things (and people) that truly matter.

So here’s what I’ve learned:
– “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to add “because…” unless you want to.
– You can say no kindly. Tone matters more than length.
– The people who care about you will understand. The ones who don’t… well, you’ve just saved yourself the energy anyway.

I’m not a monster for saying no. I’m just a human protecting her very finite resources. And if that means some doors stay closed for now, I trust that I’ll know when the right ones are worth opening again. Dx